Desperate times and measures
by xotakux2002x
Summary: When Sasuke acts as a cock-block between Itachi and Kisame, the two decide something must be done to get him out of the house.  Naturally, disaster follows.  kisaita, oneshot


characters (c) masashi kishimoto

* * *

><p>Kisame barely had time to shut the door behind him before Itachi pounced, causing the shark's back to collide with the wall with a rather audible thump. Not that Kisame minded; if the weasel hadn't made the first move, he himself would've been jumped.<p>

The two teens had just arrived at Itachi's house to enjoy a weekend of studying, tomfoolery, and secret make-out sessions. They hadn't bothered to explain to Itachi's or Kisame's parents that they were together, less because they were fearful of rejection and more because they were pretty sure the adults already knew, and accepted it. The Hoshigakis were delighted that Kisame had such a smart, mild-mannered friend, and after more than a decade of sleepovers and parties, the Uchihas had grown fond of Kisame. Even old Fugaku had to admit that Kisame was, "probably one of the best friends you could have, given the other loons you insist on surrounding yourself with." Backhanded nature aside, that was a rather impressive compliment from such a normally cynical man.

Besides, Kisame thought as he flipped them over to press Itachi against the wall, keeping their relationship a secret added a bit of excitement to their activities. "Someone's worked up," he noted, moving to kiss down Itachi's neck and gently pull the shirt collar out of his way.

Itachi moaned softly when he felt Kisame began to nibble the recently uncovered skin, wrapping his arms around the shark and fisting his shirt. "I needed you all day," he muttered, face hidden against Kisame's shoulder. He'd never admit to something so embarrassing in public, but in the safety of their room he would tell Kisame anything and everything.

"I can tell," was the shark's smug reply as he returned to kissing Itachi, scooping the smaller male up so he dangled a few inches off the ground-

BANG BANG BANG "Itachi, I need help with my homework! And why is your door locked?"

-and was just as quickly set down. Both teens sighed and broke apart, Kisame adjusting his clothes to look more decent while the Uchiha opened his door to reveal his younger brother, Sasuke. "Sasuke, can it wait?"

"I'm going out with Naruto and Sakura later," Sasuke explained. "We won't be back until late, and I'm busy all day tomorrow. Please nii-san? It's just a few problems, I just get confused by some of the steps-"

"All right, I'll help," Itachi conceded. "Grab your books, I'll be down in the kitchen in a moment." Sasuke grinned and hurried off, eager to his work done as quickly as possible.

"Impressive," Kisame noted with a grin. "You managed to hold up for 7 seconds. Guess you're not too tightly wrapped around your brother's finger." It was well known by the Uchiha family and Kisame that, although the brothers didn't always get along, Sasuke looked up to Itachi, and Itachi couldn't resist any request made by his younger sibling.

Itachi turned and glared at Kisame, though the glare was rather forced as though he was only doing it because it was expected of him. "This coming from you?"

"Oh come on, I'm not that whipped-"

"Hn."

"You can be so cruel." Sighing, Kisame flopped down onto Itachi's bed, making the weasel feel a pang of longing to join him. "You realize this is like the fourth time he's interrupted our making out, right?"

"Try tenth," the weasel corrected, checking himself in the mirror to make sure no hickeys were visible at the moment.

"Doesn't your brother have hobbies or anything?" Kisame inquired.

"When he's not with Naruto or Sakura, he studies and plays video games," Itachi replied.

"Well that explains why he's always here…"

"Kisame, you may be over here for half the week, but you don't technically live here, so no complaining."

"I know, but it's just, Sasuke's what, 14 now? He needs to live life to the fullest, enjoy his youth! He needs…a date!" the shark exclaimed, sitting bolt upright at the revelation.

"I'm going to disregard that," Itachi stated as he moved to exit the room.

Kisame was quicker, however, and quickly blocked the room's only exit. "Just hear me out!" he pled. "Think about how stressed you were freshmen year, before we got together. Always tense, head in a book or game, never taking time for yourself-"

"Technically we've been a couple since the first grade," Itachi corrected.

-mm-

_The trio of Itachi, Kisame, and Deidara had been playing tag on the jungle gym, with Deidara being It and chasing the other two. He finally managed to tackle the Uchiha to the ground, giggling all the while. "Got you, un!"_

"_Get off," Itachi ordered, not enjoying this predicament as much as Deidara._

"_Say uncle, un!"_

"_No."_

"_Say it or I won't move for forever, un!"_

"_No."_

"_Say it!" By now the pair had gathered a fairly large crowd of children, who were all watching to see how this was going to play out. When Itachi refused to comply, the blond grew upset and began poking the Uchiha. "Say it, say it, say it."_

_Itachi didn't have time to give in to the blond's demands, because suddenly the weight of Deidara was lifted off him and the blond was crying out in pain. "He's not gonna say uncle, so quit it!" Kisame ordered, pulling the blond away by his hair._

"_You're mean, un!"_

-mm-

"And then a ginger came out of nowhere and tackled me for picking on Deidara and sat with him until he stopped crying," Kisame finished. "And that's how we met Sasori, and how everyone on the playground learned to give you and Deidara a wide berth. But getting back to my point; you're happier now that we're together, right?" Itachi nodded in agreement. "And Sasori and Deidara have been way better off since they admitted they've been dating since the dawn of time, right?" Another nod. "So why can't it work for Sasuke?"

Itachi was torn by conflicting emotions. On one hand, this was his little brother, and the very notion of Sasuke having romantic feelings and actions with another human being made his stomach clench. He'd probably feel this way right up until the day Sasuke got married, and even then he wasn't too terribly sure how he'd react to that.

"Nii-san! Are you dead?" Sasuke called out from downstairs.

On the other hand, he wanted to engage in debauchery with Kisame without the duo being constantly interrupted. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose," he at last agreed.

"Excellent. We attack at-"

"If you say dawn, you're not getting any for a week."

"…meh."

- days later -

"Ok, here's the plan," Kisame began, sitting across from Itachi on the weasel's bed. "We'll have Deidara dress up like a girl, infiltrate Sasuke's fan club, and find the perfect candidate for him to date."

"I'd prefer to live. Unless you can think up a way to ask Deidara to dress as a woman without him blowing us to smithereens."

Kisame sighed and wadded up his carefully drawn plan, throwing it in the garbage bin on top of a growing mound of other paper balls. This brainstorming session was going less than spectacularly, to say the least. "Well there has to be at least someone in his fan club that'll be right for him!"

"Hn."

"Fair point, but we need to try. Ok…wait, I think I've got it!"

"What now?"

"Quick, hand me your laptop, and be prepared to watch a genius at work."

Raising a brow at the shark, Itachi nevertheless handed over the requested computer and watched as the shark began to type. Or at least he tried to; Kisame did his best to hide his work from the weasel until it was complete. Finally, several minutes later, Itachi was at last allowed to read the piece, and he did so aloud. "To whom it may concern: It is my understanding that you have a deep infatuation with Sasuke Uchiha. No doubt you've approached him on this manner, and no doubt that approach was met with rebuffs. But it's not Sasuke's fault, you see; he's had a tragic past." Itachi narrowed his eyes. "What tragic past?"

"Just keep reading," Kisame urged.

"As a young child, Sasuke had a pet rabbit named Smooshy." Itachi stopped there to glare at the shark. "That's an outright lie."

"Keep going."

"One day, poor Smooshy got out of his pen and ran away. Sasuke was so heartbroken that he sobbed for days in his room, and not even a trip to the circus could lighten his mood. After that, he vowed to become the strongest, smartest member of his family, so that he could protect his future pets from being lost. But this came at a horrific cost. Sasuke never wanted to lose something so dear to him again, and so he refused-ok Kisame, this is getting-"

"Keep going!"

"And so he refused to allow anyone a special place in his heart. Even his friends are kept at arm's length to avoid the inevitable pain of losing them to some unforeseen tragedy. Please, let not his callous words and seemingly thoughtless actions drive you away; he is in need of someone who loves him so deeply that they would never leave him, and can accept the pure love he holds deep in his heart."

"Well?" Kisame asked.

"I've heard better logic on soap operas."

"Perfect; the fangirls will fall for this hook, line, and seeker."

"Sadly, you may be right," Itachi grudgingly acknowledged.

"I know I'm right. Now link this baby up to the printer; we've got about two hundred copies of these to make and shove into lockers before school Monday."

-days later-

"GAAAAAAAH!"

"Now who's the loser?"

"I swear, next round you're dead!"

Kisame and Itachi let out simultaneous sighs and sat up, pulling shirts back on and smoothing down hair. Nothing could kill the mood quite as fast as listening to Sasuke and his friends play video games, swearing and threatening bodily harm over the TV volume that was turned up to an obnoxious level. "I suppose we have to tell them to keep it down," Kisame muttered unhappily.

"Hn."

The duo lazily meandered their way down the hall and then down the stairs into the basement, where they found Naruto and Sasuke playing some sort of fighting game while a bemused Sakura sat a few feet away from them, notebook in her lap. "That brings Naruto's win percentage up to 45%," she stated while writing something down.

"Tch, big deal," Sasuke replied, trying hard to hide the wound to his ego that this information had caused. "I can still beat you, dobe."

"Teme," Naruto shot back before starting the next round.

"Do you mind keeping it down?" Kisame asked, deciding to speak up before the younger teens could become too engrossed in their game.

Apparently such a feat was already too late to accomplish; at the sound of his voice, Sasuke and Naruto jumped from their places on the couch, and Sakura let out a squeak and nearly toppled off her armchair. "Geez, don't you ever go home?" Sasuke asked once the trio was resettled.

"Sasuke, you and your companions have left permanent indentations on the furnishings," Itachi countered. "You're hardly one to talk." The younger Uchiha rolled his eyes at this and returned his attention to the game. There was no time to argue; he had a certain idiotic best friend to beat.

"What are you guys doing here anyway?" Kisame inquired. "It's Friday. Shouldn't you be out at the mall or something?"

At his comment, a couple of strange things happened. First, Sasuke flushed bright red. Second, Naruto began giggling under his breath, prompting Sasuke to jab an elbow in to his side. Sakura rolled her eyes at the two, but there was a frown on her face now. "Some jackass put notes in all the girls' lockers about how Sasuke lost a rabbit or something as a kid, and that's why he won't date anyone."

"So now every fangirl in a ten mile radius is trying to give me bunnies and explain that they'll accept my 'dark past'," Sasuke spat out.

"It was hilarious," Naruto gasped out, by this point laughing so hard he'd rolled off the couch.

"Thus, we're hiding out until this mess gets sorted out," Sakura explained. "Which is why I'm having to keep score of these two play Fist of Deathly Death VI."

"You're about to lose, by the way," Sasuke informed Naruto, having taken advantage of the blond's mirth to get in a few critical hits.

"Wha-oh hell no!" In an instant the blond was back in his seat, furiously mashing buttons as he tried to lessen the gap between Sasuke's health bar and his own.

"Keep it down, please," Itachi requested before exiting the room with Kisame in tow. Once they reached the top of the stairs and closed the door to the basement, Itachi fixed his patented glare of disapproval on Kisame. "Well done. My brother has barricaded himself in the house because of you."

"Erm…it seemed like a good idea at the time," Kisame weakly offered. The look on Itachi's face informed him that if he didn't fix this mess soon, he wouldn't be getting any, regardless of whether Sasuke was home or not.

-mm-

"There has to be one girl he's willing to go out with," Kisame whined, furiously flipping through their yearbook for a likely candidate. "At least for coffee or something."

"You underestimate my brother's standards."

"And you underestimate my mad skills when it comes to hooking people up." Itachi scoffed at this. "What? Clearly I got Sasori and Deidara together-"

"Spiking the eggnog at our Christmas party and then shoving them under the mistletoe hardly counts."

"And I dragged Pein along to the farmer's market where he met Konan, and kept him from making an idiot of himself before he asked her out-"

"As I recall, she was the one who did the asking," Itachi corrected.

"And I got you to go out with me, and that has to count for twenty or something."

"Hn."

"What about this Ino chick?" Kisame asked, jabbing his finger at a picture of a young blonde woman.

"Head of the fan club," Itachi responded. "Sasuke wouldn't so much as speak to her."

"But isn't Sakura a member?"

"Secretly. Though I believe she's come to accept the fact that she's been put in the friend zone," Itachi explained. "Granted, she'd leap at the prospect of a date, but I doubt she's holding her breath for an offer."

"Why must your brother be so difficult?" Kisame whined as he continued his search for the perfect woman. "Even you weren't this difficult to woo." His comment resulted in a pillow being thrown at his face, followed by Itachi exiting the room. Perfect. Now he had to plot _and_ grovel.

-mm-

"This is insane," Itachi hissed to Kisame.

The shark ignored the Uchiha's assessment and continued walking down the street, until they stopped in front of a very familiar apartment complex. "Would you relax?" he requested, ringing the door buzzer to their friend's apartment

"You know what he's like when they have their fights," Itachi snapped.

This bit of information caused a thin layer of sweat to break out across Kisame's brow. "You mean they're off again?" he choked out, voice not far from being a frightened squeak.

"You didn't know?"

"Who the hell is it**, and why the hell shouldn't I snap your neck**?" a familiar voice demanded across the intercom.

Itachi and Kisame temporarily allowed their argument to cease; they had far more important things to do now, like not flee in terror. "If we run, Zetsu's gonna find out it was us anyway," Kisame whispered. "He's scary like that."

"Hn."

"Hey Zetsu," Kisame weakly replied, accepting that there was no way of getting out of this now that they'd started. "It's Itachi and me. You mind if we come up for a bit?"

"Make it quick," came the sharp reply before the intercom went dead.

"If we die, I'm going to kill you," Itachi threatened as they entered the complex and went up the stairs to Zetsu's apartment.

Zetsu, to his credit, invited the duo inside and allowed them to seat themselves at the kitchen table without biting their heads off. The schizophrenic had always been somewhat unstable, and nothing was as likely to alter his moods as his boyfriend, Tobi. When they were together, Zetsu was relatively calmer and more relaxed; but, when they were "on a break", Zetsu was often irritable and violent. Recently, he and Tobi had had another spat, and were separated again, much to Zetsu's misery. "Make it quick," the man growled, clearly not in the mood for company.

"Zetsu, we need a teensy weensy favor," Kisame explained. "Nothing too big; just hack into the school's grading system and make it look like Sasuke's got a low grade in one of his classes."

"Which one, and how low?"

"Erm, Spanish or Communications, and how about a C," Kisame suggested. From what Itachi had told him, those were the classes that most often gave Sasuke trouble, and messing with the other classes or making the grade dip too low would immediately arouse suspicion in the youngest Uchiha.

"**What's in it for me?"** Zetsu demanded.

Kisame was more than happy to sit back and allow Itachi to handle this part of the negotiations; he was close to sweating bullets as it stood. Calm and stoic as ever on the outside, Itachi extracted a small plastic card from his pocket and slid it across the table to Zetsu. The schizo quickly snatched up the card and looked it over, before frowning at Itachi. "This is a gift card to that new Mexican place downtown, right?"

"Hn."

"**Why the hell would I want this?"**

"Because next weekend is my cousin's birthday, and you're in hot enough water with Tobi as it stands," Itachi explained. "This is his favorite restaurant. Take him there, and all will be well between you two." Zetsu turned the thought over in his head a few times before nodding and pocketing the card. The deal was done.

Quickly Itachi and Kisame bade their friend farewell and exited the apartment, thankful to escape in one piece. "How the hell does Pein do it? He's over here every weekend!" Kisame exclaimed in shock. "There's gotta be some trick to it that he and Tobi aren't telling us."

"Hn," Itachi agreed.

-several days later-

Itachi came home and was almost immediately grabbed by Sasuke, who proceeded to haul his elder brother down the hall towards his room. "Sasuke-"

"Shh!" the younger Uchiha demanded, not allowing either of them to speak until they were safely inside his room. "Itachi, I have a big problem."

"What is it?" Itachi inquired, although he had a pretty good idea of what his brother was about to say.

"It's my grade in Spanish," Sasuke explained, confirming the elder brother's suspicions. "I don't know how, but it's a C+ right now. Mom and dad are gonna kill me-"

"Sasuke, calm down." The younger Uchiha took a deep breath and did his best to obey Itachi's order. "Report cards won't be home for a few more weeks; can you get someone to tutor you until then?"

"Well…there's this one girl in class who might be able to help."

"Excellent. I suggest you call her immediately and arrange a study day." Grumbling, Sasuke nodded and allowed his brother to exit the room, before texting his friends to see if anyone had her number.

Itachi, in the meantime, was silently congratulating both himself and Kisame. It looked like this plan might actually work.

-mm-

The next day found Kisame and Itachi hiding out on the second floor of in their local library, stealthily watching over an unknowing Sasuke, who was sitting at a table on the floor below. Much to their distress, Sasuke had brought along Naruto to ease the awkwardness of being tutored solo by female classmate, but there was nothing to be done about it without exposing their observation operation. "This is wrong, Kisame," Itachi grumbled. "We're spying now."

"Yes, but you do want to make sure this Karin chick is good enough for him to date, right?"

"Who says he's even going to ask her out?"

"Hey, is that her?" Kisame inquired, pointing towards a young woman who'd just entered the library.

The female had bright red head and pink-red eyes, which were hidden behind a pair of glasses. She had a calm, confident walk about her as she entered the library, and hurried over to Sasuke's table as soon as she spotted him, completely ignoring Naruto and all but sitting her things on top of his. Sasuke, for his part, didn't seem particularly excited to socialize with this girl, but didn't go out of his way to be mean to her, other than rather curtly pointing out Naruto's presence and prompting her to move her things.

Itachi and Kisame spent the next thirty minutes or so walking through the rows of bookshelves, occasionally looking down to check on the duo. This Karin chick was something. One moment, she'd be grinning and fawning over Sasuke; the next, she was yelling, waving her arms wildly in agitation. Eventually this arm flailing culminated in her knocking over a cup of coffee that had been purchased from a nearby vendor. Karin immediately began panicking and ran towards the bathroom, either to get paper towels to mop up the mess or cry at her foolishness. Sasuke, on the other hand, accepted Naruto's offer of a hoodie to mop up most of the coffee, before the two silently packed their things and left. Needless to say, Itachi and Kisame were back to the drawing board.

-mm-

SLAM "ITACHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

"Oh hell no," Kisame snapped.

"Kisame-"

"No, we are too close to stop now! For once your brother can wait."

"Mentioning my brother when we're about to do this kills the mood, you know. Now put my legs down."

"But Itachi…" Kisame whined. They had been so close!

"Do it or I'm going to break 'Samehada'," Itachi threatened. It was with much sadness and whimpering that Kisame obeyed the command, and shortly thereafter the two were dressed and exiting the room.

A quick search of the house resulted in finding Sasuke sitting at the kitchen table, looking as frazzled as he'd sounded when he first entered the house. "Sasuke? What is it?"

"I have a huge problem," Sasuke began, words running together as he tried to express the cause of his panic as quickly as possible. "Worse than failing Spanish, worse than the fangirls-"

"Slow down there," Kisame interjected before Itachi could say something. "You're going to hyperventilate."

"What happened," Itachi demanded, realizing that they'd be unable to help Sasuke if he wouldn't tell them specifically what was wrong.

"Naruto kissed me," the younger Uchiha blurted out.

Understandably, it took a few minutes for this information to sink into Kisame and Itachi's minds. Naruto had never set off their gaydar, so that was a surprise in and of itself. Furthermore, even if they accepted Naruto being gay as a fact, seeing him with Sasuke was surprising. Naruto and Sasuke had been friends for years now, but it was always more of a rivalry turned friendship than anything else. On the other hand, Itachi had been with Kisame since childhood and they'd managed to come together, much to the shock of everyone outside their immediate group of friends. "Um…wow," Kisame finally got out. "Did not see that coming."

"Tell me about it," Sasuke grumbled.

"Exactly what happened?" Itachi asked, still trying to process this most recent turn of events.

"We were at his house, goofing off, and my fangirls came up, and I told him how annoying they get, and he started asking what I wanted in a girl, and I said pretty much anything other than what these fangirls were, and we kept talking, and then out of nowhere he kisses me!"

"Well, did you say anything to him afterwards?"

"No," Sasuke answered quietly, voice and demeanor suddenly very meek. "I freaked out and punched him."

"You what?" Kisame shouted.

"And then I freaked out again because I hit him and ran," Sasuke finished, looking very much like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"Um…Sasuke…I don't even know where to begin," Itachi began, shaking his head at his younger brother.

"I do," Kisame snapped. "What the hell were you thinking? You don't just hit a guy and bolt like that!"

"Well what was I supposed to do?" Sasuke demanded.

"Gee, I don't know, maybe remember that this kid has been your best friend since you could walk, so you probably shouldn't punch him and flee?"

"Kisame, stop," Itachi begged. "This is getting us nowhere." Once the shark was reasonably calm, Itachi returned his attention to his brother. "Why did you hit him?"

"It just…I can't explain it. My best friend suddenly kisses me out of nowhere, and it feels so weird. Not butterflies in my stomach weird, but like…almost normal?"

"Like a part of you expected this at some point?" Itachi suggested.

"No! Yes. Maybe. Grr, why did he have to kiss me," Sasuke whined, pacing about the kitchen at this point. "He's my best friend and I didn't really think of him like that, but now this and I can't stop thinking of him like that! Damn that dobe…"

"Kisame, please text Naruto and see how he's doing," Itachi whispered, handing his phone to Kisame and knowing that calming Sasuke wouldn't be the only damage control they'd need to do. Kisame nodded and quickly walked out of the kitchen, phone out and texting before he'd even left the room.

Once the brothers were alone, Itachi directed Sasuke back to the kitchen table and forced the younger male to sit. "Sasuke, you need to figure out how you feel about Naruto, and the sooner the better."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"Stay here in this spot and think about how you feel and what you want to say to him when you see him next. And you will be seeing him again, if only to apologize for hitting him." Frowning, Sasuke nevertheless remained in his seat, head resting on his arms as he stared at the kitchen's wall. Itachi decided it would be best to leave his brother alone to do his thinking, and went to find Kisame. He didn't have to go far; the shark was in the living room, sitting on the couch and frowning. "How is he?"

"Bad," was Kisame's answer. "I couldn't get his phone, so I texted Sakura to see if she knew where he is. She knows about the whole thing, apparently. He's over at her house, drowning his sorrows in a carton of ice cream, and he doesn't even want to hear Sasuke's name right now. The only bright side right now is that we're not responsible for this clusterfuck."

"We'll have to wait until Sasuke decides what to do," Itachi stated, sitting beside Kisame and allowing the shark to wrap an arm around his shoulder.

"Tch, fucking perfect."

It took several hours before Sasuke finally approached the duo again, and when he did so he appeared as upset as ever. "I need to talk to him," he stated. "That's all I know for sure. But he doesn't want to talk to me."

"We know," Kisame answered. "And I've come up with a solution for you. But you have to do exactly as I say." Sasuke gulped; he didn't like the sound of that.

-mm-

Sakura popped in another movie and returned to her seat on the floor, resisting the urge to give Naruto another hug. The blond kept saying that they didn't help much, but damn if he didn't look like he needed one.

She'd received a brief text from him saying that he'd be coming over, no explanation given, and then not even five minutes later he was banging down her door. When she let him in and saw him not only crying but sporting a black eye, it took her by surprise so badly that she had to ask the blond to repeat whatever he was blubbering. That was when the incident she'd dubbed the Sasuke kissing fiasco was told.

Now, several hours later, the pink-haired female was doing her best to comfort one of her closest friends in his time of need. She'd seen the signs for months now that Naruto liked Sasuke as more than a friend, but couldn't get a definite read on how Sasuke felt about Naruto ("At least until now," she added to herself). She couldn't even bring herself to be happy about the fact that Sasuke was still single; the single bolt of pleasure she'd felt at knowing Sasuke hadn't accepted Naruto's feelings so quickly filled her with disgust and shock that she hadn't even allowed herself to think about it again.

Naruto's phone rang as she sat down, and the blond gave his screen only the briefest of looks before rejecting the call. "Sasuke again?"

"I'm not talking to him," Naruto declared. "I'm never talking to him again. I'm going to change my schedule so I don't have classes with him, get all my stuff from his house and give back all his things when he's not home, move as far away from here as possible when I graduate, and if that doesn't work, I'll crawl under a rock and die. Believe it."

"Naruto-" Sakura's reply was cut off by the sound of something hitting her window. That was odd; her room was on the second story, so it was unlikely that some sort of debris had flown off the road and hit her window. Furthermore, it was nighttime, and whatever had collided with her window didn't sound heavy enough to be a bird or bat. Curious, the girl rose from her seat and crossed the room to stare out into her yard. "…Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Come here."

"Why?"

"You're not gonna believe this if you don't see it." Curiosity thoroughly aroused, Naruto rose from his seat on the beanbag chair and went to stand beside Sakura, looking out the window.

There, standing in the middle of Sakura's yard, was Sasuke Uchiha, looking up at her window with a boombox over his head.

It took the duo a few minutes to process exactly what they were seeing. Naruto was the first to recover, and swearing "I'll kill him," ran out the door and down the stairs before Sakura could stop him and suggest that maybe talking to Sasuke wasn't the best idea right now, given Naruto's current state of mind.

The pink-haired female made it down the stairs and out the back door just in time to see Naruto walk up to Sasuke and glare him down. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Making a complete ass of myself," Sasuke deadpanned as he set down the music player and shut it off.

"Obviously. Why?"

"Because I figured it would be the only way to get you to talk to me. And it looks like it worked." Naruto chose not to reply, so Sasuke continued. "Sorry about your eye."

Naruto snickered at this. "Sorry about my eye? You fucking punched me when I told you how I felt and ran off, but you're sorry I've got a black eye."

"You kissed me out of nowhere!" Sasuke countered.

"You don't give someone a black eye for that!"

"You don't kiss people when you don't know if they want it!"

"You're an ass!"

"And you're an idiot," Sasuke retorted in an exasperated manner. Naruto had finally had enough of the argument and decided that to repeat Sasuke's earlier actions, and socked his best friend square in the jaw.

Taken by surprise, Sasuke stumbled back from the punch and gaped at his friend. The shock only lasted for the briefest of seconds, however, before he lunged and tackled Naruto to the ground.

Sakura watched in horror as the boys began to wrestle, kicking and swinging at each other with sheer malice. She was about to scream at them to stop, when he phone began to vibrate. Acting solely on habit, she extracted the phone and was surprised to see a text from Itachi. Maybe he could sort this out, if she explained what was going on and begged to him to come over.

The elder Uchiha was apparently psychic, however, as his message pertained to the boys' fight. "Don't interfere. Let them work this out of their systems." What the hell was Itachi thinking? Still, the genius of the Uchiha family was rarely wrong, so for the time being Sakura would listen. If either Sasuke or Naruto appeared to be critically injured soon, then genius advice be damned, she was breaking up this fight and possibly driving them to the hospital.

Fortunately for all parties involved, the fight eventually subsided when Sasuke had Naruto pinned beneath him. "Calm down," he ordered.

"Go die," Naruto hissed back, struggling to get out from under Sasuke.

To his credit, the Uchiha didn't so much as flinch at the jab, but rather took a deep breath and began to speak once again. "Naruto, why did you kiss me? Besides the fact that you like me, I mean."

"Well you said you're gay, and you don't really hang out with any guys but me…" Naruto muttered sheepishly.

Sakura's jaw dropped at this. Sasuke was _gay_? Since when?

Sasuke sighed; this was going to be fun to explain. "Look Naruto, I know I don't really interact with anyone besides you, but I'm not sure how exactly I feel about you right now. You need to give me a while to figure this out."

"How long?"

"As long as it takes."

Naruto stared up at Sasuke, turning his friend's request over in his head for a time, before finally nodding in agreement. "Fine. We can still be friends if you decide no, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Can you?"

"Yeah."

"Then so can I."

Kisame and Itachi, meanwhile, were watching this exchange from behind the tool shed in Sakura's yard, and breathed a simultaneous sigh of relief when the two rose from the ground and limped into Sakura's door to receive medical treatment and a proper scolding, courtesy of the pink-haired female. "Well it's not a Hallmark moment, but it could've gone a lot worse," Kisame decided. "I'd call it a point for me."

"Can we please stay out of my brother's love life now?" Itachi begged.

"We probably should," Kisame admitted. "Just let things run their course and see what happens now."

-one month later-

Itachi came home to find both Naruto and Sasuke in the basement, playing video games as per usual with little to no awkwardness between the pair. Their wounds were healing up, and as far as the elder Uchiha knew, their fight hadn't been brought up again. Frankly, Itachi was relieved that the two were still getting along; he didn't know how he'd go about explaining to their parents why Naruto had suddenly decided to stop coming over. "Everything all right down here?"

"Fine," both boys chorused before returning to the game. That was a good sign.

"Good. Kisame will be over soon; if you need us, we'll be studying in my room." This statement was answered by an affirmative grunt from Sasuke and Naruto, and Itachi took this as his cue to leave.

"Tch, 'studying'. Right."

"How long are you going to give them this time?" Naruto asked, attention still mostly focused on their game.

"About ten minutes or so, I guess," Sasuke stated. "Then I'll ask for help with our history project or something.

"That's pretty short."

"Mom's giving me twenty bucks a week to make sure Itachi doesn't get deflowered before college, and I'm not going to lose easy money if I can help it."

"Still a dick move," Naruto responded. The blond paused their game long enough to reposition himself so that he was stretched across Sasuke's lap. Sasuke, realizing that the blond was getting bored of their game, grabbed the remote and switched the TV back to television mode, and the pair began watching some new reality show. "Besides, aren't you worried he and Kisame will try something again?"

"I wouldn't worry about it," Sasuke replied, gently running his fingers through Naruto's hair. "Not after that show we gave them. Sorry about the black eye, by the way. I really didn't intend to hit you that hard."

"I told you, it's fine," Naruto groaned, tired of hearing Sasuke apologize when he'd already been forgiven a thousand times over. It had all been part of their plan from the beginning, and Naruto was the one who suggested it to make their fight seem more realistic, so Sasuke had no cause to continue his apologies. "Seriously, how has no one noticed we're dating yet?"

"Because we're better at hiding it than Itachi and Kisame," Sasuke explained. "At least you and I haven't left dents in the drywall yet."

"I guess. But if they try something to get you out of the house again, can we please figure out how to get out of it without beating the tar out of each other? We couldn't cuddle for two weeks!"

"It's like I told you before," Sasuke explained in a sagely manner. "Drastic times call for drastic measures."


End file.
